New York. The last day of what was planned as a business trip that turned into another step in my spiritual journey. So clearly illustrating everything I’ve already agreed to accept…I don’t know. I have no idea. From this insight, I have learned to follow my nose. I walk with confidence. Well, sometimes I walk with confidence and sometimes with caution. Myself and my intuition have enjoyed a long romance together, while my ego, which once kicked me and yelled “me first” or “look at me”, and then agreed to follow on condition that there would be explanations later on, is quiet now. It’s clear that like a kitten, my ego sometimes raises its head in curiosity…trying to guess…to read the map. There is a Yiddish saying: Man makes plans and God laughs”. And I say let’s join in. We’ll laugh together. Believe me, I’ve checked out the alternatives. It’s better to laugh. Whenever possible.
Laughing. I’m 21 and I can choose any profession I could ever hope to dream of. I have no idea what to do with this. No, I had no direction or dream. I studied because I wanted to study. Perhaps psychology, or medicine. My family recommends law. So wordy and practical. That’s the profession for you…and me? I accepted the recommendation. I didn’t really care. But I don’t regret it. I enjoyed it.
Trucking along. Studying and earning money from a variety of part-time jobs. One day, one of my classmates told me she was going for a work interview at an attorney’s office, so I went with her. I was hired, and that’s how I decided on my major in Torts and Insurance Law. It was interesting because it integrated medicine, and I could listen to my clients and their family members. That’s how it is. People are always looking for someone to listen to them. Systems are too.
Listening. To myself as well. After my maternity leave with Guli, I couldn’t go back to my job as a hired attorney. I had had enough. I knew what I shouldn’t do. But I didn’t know what I should do. Pouring out my values into a pretty notebook. Policy-making – justice, equality and love. Later relinquishing the notebook in order to attain my own perspective…”Do I want to be a judge?” The head guesses at what comes out of the heart. And here is the transcript my head dictated that day…I’ll open a law office. I’ll polish my personality. For about 10 years. Then I’ll apply for judgeship. I’m pleased. I have a plan. There is certainty. I’m ready to play the main character in the film that I’ve just written.
Alert. Business management requires coping with a variety of issues and my personality develops. I am more confident. I learn to trust myself. I succeed in integrating work with family. There is a price. There always is. Something is missing. I yearn to teach. I write an outline for a workshop called “Tools for Excellence in Professional Practice”. I want to share my knowledge: creativity, the use of intuition in making decisions. A window. To marry, you need to get engaged. That’s how it is in the Faculty. Go back to school. I am upset, but I listen. Two weeks later, in an evidence hearing. My logic will not understand the dynamics of the court. In response, I will register for my Master’s, to try to understand how the judicial decision-making process works. At this stage, it is very clear to me. There is no correlation between what they teach us and actual reality. Most of the time it’s more complex.
Sticks in the spokes. I am writing a research proposal on the nature of judicial intuition. Finding it hard to find an advisor who will agree to work with me…They told me, “you won’t be able to get a judge’s interview”…I obtained one. “No judge will agree to talk”. Twenty-four judges agreed to talk. Twenty-four people who opened up their world to me and let me peek through the curtain. Who taught me and influenced me. Believed in me. So I wrote down what they told me. I wanted to share it with the system. But the system did not want to listen. I listened to it. And I understood.
Doctorate. Should I go to New York and write my Ph.D? Then they will surely listen. I went. I wrote a proposal and searched for advisers. Decided that New York was home. That in New York I would find the possibilities for setting policy, influencing justice and attaining love. So I decided. Life decided differently. I’m in Israel. From tomorrow again. Writing posts for a blog in two languages. Paving my way. No, I don’t really know what way that is, or where it will lead. Nor why I am telling you all of this. But the heart knows, and the nose will lead me there. And one day, I’ll look back on everything and say, “Ahhhhhhh!”
Funny. Yesterday, I arranged a meeting with a nice woman at 9 am. She never showed. Instead, I had a conversation that opened up my heart just a little bit more. I left the house to write a post about it. On the way, I decided to follow my nose. I didn’t know where I would end up. I felt like sitting in a coffee shop with long white windows. I got on the Q because it was the first one to come into the station. On the subway was an African-American guy with a bicycle loaded with what looked like his entire home. My nose said “follow”. He got off at Canal. I followed. Left, right and straight on. One of my favorite coffee franchises. Long white windows. I ordered my salad, and my cup of tea. I found the right music for my post. This post was just waiting to be born. So different from what I thought it would be.
Uncertainty. Nobody likes it. So we (yes, all of us) make up movies and obtain confidence from them. We tell ourselves we are the director, the screenwriter, the casting director and the main character. Sometimes it even works. So, we commit a mortal sin (pride). And now it’s time to fasten our seatbelts and hold on tight. We have summoned a roller coaster.
Amusement park. With an emphasis on daring roller coasters, which were my favorite. Always. I go on again and again. Soar into the sky. Happy. Lula celebrated her Bat Mitzvah in Orlando. After 4 days of nonstop racing around, the bat mitzvah girl and her brother said enough was enough. A day at the pool. Eighteen months later. Six Flags, California. Lula will ask, “Mom, what happened?” and I’ll tell her that my life has become one large, frightening roller coaster. There is no more room for thrills and surprises. It is quiet now.
Life is a roller coaster. Going up and down. You finish a completely different journey than the one you started, or don’t. Your starting point changes, or it doesn’t. Sometime you want more and more. Sometimes you feel like throwing up. You aren’t driving it, you’re just a passenger. Your companions change around. You have only one choice. And I suggest…that you laugh. Whenever you can.
Niti
21.3.16 New York
