Morning. the last day for a brief, hectic visit. My eyes nearly closed, I slide down the slopes of the Carmel. I promised I would come see him before I return home. I haven’t always understood the nature of our bond, but it never really mattered much to me. He was very vulnerable that day, and so much in the present. Like someone who had met the angel of death for an instant and had been saved. Extreme moments of the type that remind us that everything is chance and fleeting. It opens a window for possibilities. We have the exclusive right of choosing how to continue on from there. A truly deep and intimate social meeting is woven from both sides of the file-laden desk. When the time is up I put out my arms for an embrace. We don’t usually separate this way. It was the feeling of the touch of his arms around the bottom of my back, which, with soft gentleness, revealed to me the nature of the bond.
Afternoon. The highest floor in a sophisticated Tel-Aviv office building. I have come to receive permission to follow my nose. I don’t really have to. For years I’ve been self-employed, and yet, this choice has repercussions, and it’s important for me to explain my choice. To him particularly. He looks at me and says, “What was the agreement between us?” I looked back at him questioningly and he replied, “You do what is good for you, and I will support you.” My heart swelled from so tangible an expression of his love. Without thinking, I hugged him with all my heart like a child. I was so flooded with gratitude I that I did not at first realize how much intensity was in that embrace. How much confusion it created. How it changed everything.
Evening. A Tel-Aviv restaurant. A meal, a glass of wine and light conversation. Both of us try to avoid stepping on a well hidden landmine. Sometimes superficiality is required. It doesn’t mean to pretend, but rather to carefully control any potential explosions. I truly wanted things to go back to where they had been before. On the way to the airport he starts to dig toward the landmine, and I hold him back.
“Nobody destroys 15 years of friendship because of such a silly thing.” And I add, “Whatever happened, happened. Let’s look towards the future.”
I sounded determined enough. He studies my face to see if I really mean it. I breathe in relief. The digging ceases. The car stops at the entrance to the Departures hall, and he gets out of the car to hug me. His arms are around me. It was the look in his eyes and the proximity of our faces that triggered the storm, and I turned and ran into the terminal. With all good intentions, it wasn’t the same anymore. And me…I’m not good at pretending.
Morning. A new day in a new era. My eyes are closed, and my body completely relaxed, but I am awake and aware of a strong sense of his presence in the room. Without moving, I smile at him as if to whisper, “how good that you are here, I’ve been waiting for you for ages.” Without moving, I hold out my arms, fall into an embrace, flow into the one that is us. The one that is the beginning, the middle and the end. No number and all of the numbers together. Silence.
Niti
4.2.18. Tel Aviv
